William Whitefeather
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William Whitefeather
William "Bill" Whitefeather is a Native Iroquois (Mohawk) from Brantford, Ontario. At last report he was serving in the Confederacy Civil Service as the Commanding Officer of the Office of Targeted Extractions (OTE) with the rank of Tribune.
He is a former infantry officer in the Canadian Armed Forces, having graduated from the Royal Military College of Canada. He served with Michael Deschenes.
He is addicted to coffee, preferring a 'double-double' from Tim Horton's Donuts chain. There is considerable evidence that he is also addicted to the sugar rush provided by that chain's donuts.
He is a noted practical joker (see Chapter 12 of Chosen Frozen, also After Lift. His practical jokes creative tactics are most common when training Canadian Army militia units. These tactics put the "practical" in Practical Joke, on the theory that a lesson that makes you laugh will stick with you longer than a dry lecture.
Whitefeather and Deschenes have become so notorious that among the senior officers of the Canadian Army they are known by the stunts they have pulled instead of their name and rank. The officers' names are never mentioned at the same time. For example, when an officer is inquiring about one by name, it's always "No, the other one. You know, '(name of incident)'?"
Not much is said of the details of the incidents, allowing the reader's imagination free reign to speculate. And nobody discusses "The Tree" in the presence of the Colonel commanding the Rocky Mountain Rangers (not even the Chief of the Defense Staff, the highest ranking officer in all the Canadian Armed Forces).
Whitefeather is known by the following "creative tactics" (this list is not comprehensive!):
- Trout in the Glove Box
- Perfume in the Sprinkler System
- Reprogrammed Carillon
- Forty-Eight Meat Lover's Pizzas
- Lord Strathcona's Horse and the Polo Mallets
- The Farmer's Backhoe
- The Camel
- Convent
During his time in Canadian service, he was officially ordered and specifically not allowed to do 101 things. Unfortunately, we do not have the complete list:
101 Things William Whitefeather is no longer allowed to do:
- 17: Start a war with Croatia. Or any other nation.
- 52: Wear another service's uniform.
- 53: Wear another nation's uniform.
- 87: Feed Swiss Cheese to a borrowed goat.
See Also
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